Today without You

Today without you is hard.  In two days it will have been two weeks.  Two weeks since you’ve taken your last breath.  Two weeks since I stepped onto the 5th floor of the hospital.  Two weeks since I’ve gotten to hold your hand and whisper I love you.  It will be two weeks since I’ve gotten to hear your voice.  I miss you!  I know you’re in a better place.  I know you’re not in pain anymore.  I know all this because I knew your heart.  I knew you had a heart for God and that you were a born again child of God.  But just because I know these things, it doesn’t mean I still don’t have days where the wind is knocked out of me.  Memories pop into my mind of you laughing or a conversation we had or a silly text you sent me and all over again I relive the pain of that moment.  The one where I walked in and knew there was no more you.  In that moment I find it hard to breathe.  I can’t catch my breath and I try my hardest to hold back tears.  I close my eyes at night and all I can see is you.  We had so many good memories.  I’m so glad you were at my right hand all those days in church.  It feels empty without you there.  I’ll miss hearing you sing praise and worship.  I know now you’re singing in the most glorious place possible.  You should be so proud of yourself.  You fought a good fight.  A courageous fight.  No one else I know would’ve been able to handle the pain like you did.  I admire you for putting on a strong face and leaning on God when so many others would’ve simply fallen apart.

People tell me that over time the wound will start to heal.  I’m sure there will always be a scar in the place you used to be.  I miss you.  That’s an understatement.  So many times I have to catch myself from picking up my phone to text you.  The only comfort that comes out of this is knowing that one day I’ll see you again.  So promise me one thing…. Whenever it is my time to leave this earth, be waiting for me.  Oh and if Morgan is there give her a hug for me!!  I’ll see you both on the other side.

Until we meet again…

Love you!!!

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Thankful Thursday

I look around my simple little home and look at how far God has taken me.  Could I even imagine 15-20 years ago my life would feel this complete?  This week I just want to share how thankful I am for my husband.  Of course no one is perfect, but he was made for me.  He supports my job as being a stay at home wife and mom.  Anytime he starts to get stressed about work or finances I will reluctantly but very much GENUINELY ask him if he would like for me to go back into the workforce and get a regular job.  To kinda even the playing field.  Maybe allow him to take a job on land.  Each time I get the same response.  No.  He’s not a man of many words but I know him well enough to know that what I do here at home means more to him than bringing home a paycheck.  I think he finds value in what I do in raising our children.  I think he appreciates having a meal on the table each evening (ha, well at least MOST evenings) and clean clothes.  He even sometimes comments on HOW well I clean.  For instance when I “may” have moved some of his tools while cleaning the house.  Sorry babe! I really don’t do it so that we can start a game of hide and seek with the tools.  He’s a wonderful provider for our family and he’s always looking out for our best interest.  And for that, on this Thursday, I am thankful!

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Lots of Love,

Dawn

My hidden passion

So I’m probably writing to no one when I write this but I’ll write it anyways because maybe by putting it down in writing it will feel more legit.  In 2008 I started tinkering in photography.  I was totally self taught.  I was in love with the camera.  I loved the job.  I loved the people and I loved the challenge.  In 2009 I started actually shooting people.  That passion continued into a beautiful but short lived career.  The business flourished what seemed like overnight and the demands of my schedule with young children was very overwhelming.  So I took a break.  So much of a break that I got rid of all my equipment.  A decision that still haunts me.  At the end of last year I started praying about what it was God wanted me to do.  I am still praying because I need absolute confirmation from God in every direction of my life.  Especially big areas such as this.  But I can say that today I held a camera again in my hands.  It made me emotional.  Crazy right?  It’s just a camera.  But to me it felt like home.  And in it I could feel possibilities.  I could feel excitement about my potential future.  I haven’t felt that in a really really long time and it almost makes me a little teary eyed.  I feel almost as if I walked away from something that could have been so good.  But I know God was seeing me through that time and He is seeing me through now.

We’re kinda nostalgic around here and collect old things🙂

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So what do you do when you get to hold of a camera?  You shoot all the things😀

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Meet my dog Precious.  She is my best buddy!

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Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden sun!!!  And oh the flare!

Thanks for listening to the ramble!

Lots of Love,

Dawn

I patiently wait

For a while now, a long while, I have desired to go back to work.  Not in a traditional sense, although that was something I actually considered, but in a self employed way.  There’s something about becoming self employed and getting up every day doing something that I love that really REALLY excites me.  I’m not even sure what it is I want to do, but I feel like God has planted a seed within and I’m trusting and believing that in time, His plan will be revealed to me.  I get really giddy when I think about all the possibilities.  Will it be something I’m good at?  Will it be something to benefit others?  Will the two merge together?  My passions and the chance to serve others?  As we close the year 2015 and begin 2016 I can’t help but believe that my next step will be revealed.

Lots of Love (and hope and excitement)

🙂

Dawn

I Surrender!

As I lie here in bed this Sunday afternoon, snuggled next to my tiny 8 year old and my dog sitting on my shoulder, I am filled with hope.  I look around at my life and think about all that God has done in it.  About 8 years ago I made a decision that would completely and utterly change my life… and my destination.  I gave my heart and soul to a man who was crucified on a cross for my sins and yours.  My relationship with God over these past 8 years has been up and down.  I’ve had many seasons where my fire for God couldn’t be put out.  I’ve had seasons with God where I felt like I couldn’t even get a spark in my prayer life.  But as I lie here reflecting on the goodness of God one thing hits me most profoundly.  His love for me is everlasting.  His mercy endures forever.  There is nothing I go through that he doesn’t understand and He will never leave me or forsake me.  Choosing to live for God and turning my back on the world was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  The devil is still the devil.  He still prowls around looking for ways to steal, kill and destroy but I will not yield to the tricks of the devil.  Today, as I lie here in bed I am completely and utterly grateful that we serve a GOOD God. I love Him with everything inside and I want to shout from the rooftops and sing about my love for my Lord.  I, by nature am such an analytical person.  I over think so many things.  Everything.  I over think scripture.  I over think finances.  I over think my purpose in life.  I spend so much time in my own brain and in my own head, that I forget to spend time in God’s mind and heart.  Today, I make a choice.  A choice I choose to proclaim out loud and publicly.  I choose to surrender every aspect of my life.  Every little detail that I spend any amount of time worrying or analyzing, I choose to give to Jesus.  He is the one true one who can understand my thoughts now, and my plan for the future.  So why not just spare myself the torment of worry, or fear or panic of the future and let Him hold me in His loving arms.  Today God, I choose you.  And today Satan, I refuse to give you another iota of my time.  You cannot have my mind.  You cannot have my family and you cannot have my future!  I choose to rest in the loving arms of Jesus!

Today, my prayer for you is that you can experience the love of God, for He surely loves you!

Lots of Love,

Dawn

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The Gift of Motherhood

Motherhood.  What a gift!  Mother’s Day every year is a day to honor your mothers.  It’s a day where husbands and children shower mom in gifts and praises.  It’s a day to celebrate your mom on Mother’s Day.  But what is motherhood to you?  What is it to me?

Motherhood to me is knowing that God so perfectly designed three beautiful blessings for me.  Motherhood to me is living a sacrificial life to meet the needs and desires of my children.  To lay down my own needs and desires to provide for those of my children.  Motherhood to me, is late nights at football and basketball games.  It means being my children’s biggest cheerleader.  Motherhood to me is building strong, self confident children that can enter the world and not crumble.  To build a foundation in Christ so when life throws them curveballs they have a rock on which to stand.  Motherhood to me is teaching my kids the meaning of the word no.  To raise them to not be entitled to anything, but that anything that comes to them has to be earned.  Motherhood to me is teaching them to respect their elders.  To say yes ma’am and yes sir and there is no excuse for not using their manners.  To raise up children with a servants heart.  If they see someone in need to reach out and help where they can.  Motherhood to me is not to shield them from life.  To let them see that the world we live in is growing more corrupt by the day and that on this side of heaven it will never be perfect.  Motherhood to me is to teach my kids to push through life with one goal in mind and that is to make heaven their home and to take as many people with them as they can.

I am blessed.  I am blessed with three beautiful children to love and nurture and help to grow.  I am also blessed with a mother who helped me to grow in the ways of the Lord.

Proverbs 31:10-31

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies

The heart of her husband does safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

She seeks wool, and flax, and works willingly with her hands.

She is like the merchants’ ships; she brings her food from afar.

She rises also while it is yet night, and gives meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

She considers a field, and buys it: with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

She girds her loins with strength, and strengthens her arms.

She perceives that her merchandise is good: her candle goes not out by night.

She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

She stretches out her hand to the poor; yea, she reaches forth her hands to the  needy.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

She makes herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.

She makes fine linen, and sells it; and delivers girdles unto the merchant.

Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

She looks well to the ways of her household, and eats not the bread of idleness.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.

Many daughters have done virtuously, but you excel them all.

Favor is deceitful, and beauty if vain, but a  woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

Give her the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Being a stay at home mother is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  To be able to be around for my kids and provide the needs of my household has fulfilled me in ways in which I never imagined.  I am blessed every single day that I can be home for them.  I understand that in this day and age it’s not possible for all mothers to be home.  My prayer for each and every mother is to never overlook a moment to spend with your child.  Cherish them.  Time flies so quickly.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you beautiful women!

Lots of Love,

Dawn

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Happy Mother’s Day to my mom and sister!

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Me with my three beautiful children.

Unplug….Reboot

Lately I’ve been searching.  Searching within, searching God, searching life and wondering…what it is that persistently nags at me.  The thing that keeps me feeling complacent…the thing that makes me feel “stuck”.  I’ve learned that it’s not one thing, but it’s a combination of things that leave me to feel this way.  So I’ll share them, incase I’m not alone.

There are many days where I rush through a day.  Busy with work, busy with kids, busy with dinner and mom stuff and wife stuff.  There are days where I would just like to lie in bed all day and sleep, or watch Netflix or eat an entire cake by myself.  To just be alone.  Which made me start thinking, what about my days are really so bad?  Do I like my work?  Yes.  Do I like the duties of mom stuff?  Yes.  Do I enjoy the duties of wife stuff? Yes.  I have a servants heart and I LOVE to do for my family and my husband.  They are the most precious people to me on this side of heaven.  So what is it then?  What makes me want to hide under the covers for three days straight?  And then it dawned on me.  My brain is in OVERDRIVE.  I am so consumed about what will happen tomorrow that I am trying so desperately to rush through today.  To get through it, just get the day over with so I can tackle tomorrow.  All the while I’m missing the blessings of today.  EACH day in itself has treasures just waiting to be unwrapped.  It’s takes a conscious effort sometimes to slow down and focus our attention to our day to day duties one task at a time.  For me, I’ve learned that social media, while it has its perks, has been a huge distraction.  While I do enjoy seeing family online, I’ve found that checking FaceBook or Instagram 10 times a day was becoming a normal habit for me.  Not because there was something I wanted to see but because in the 10 seconds I had a moment between my mom stuff and wife stuff I found myself staring at a little glowing box.  So what I’ve done over the past week or two is made an effort not to have as many distractions.  This for me also includes the television.  I’ve learned to use my time more wisely.  I’ve decided that I needed to unplug and reboot.

I read a book recently that told the story of a girl named Ruth.  She is one of my favorite bible characters.  Ruth lost her husband and devoted her life to serving her mother in law.  She left her family and went to her mother in law’s land and chose to honor her duties to her husband in doing so.  Ruth gave up quite a bit.  A family, provisions for her life, etc.. but Ruth remained obedient.  One thing I learned about Ruth was she was HAPPY to work.  She worked in the fields for scraps.  She worked her fingers to the bones but didn’t complain.  She was grateful.  Oh how I long to be like Ruth.  To enter into each part of my day with a spirit of humility and the heart of a servant.

Today we make a choice.  To live in the present moment, taking in all each moment has to offer, or to worry about tomorrow.  I want to soak up each part of my day.  To hear how my kids day at school went, to blow bubbles with them outside, tend to our garden, to meditate on God’s word.  I want to be the mom that makes memories with them.  I want to be the wife that makes my husband proud to call his own.  I want to be like Ruth, singing in the fields, praising God for my many blessings.  I want to be the child of the Most High God that will hear, well done my good and faithful servant.  I want to be all He has designed me to be.

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Luke 12:29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink.  Do not worry about it.

Let’s worry about today.  Let tomorrow worry about itself.  Enjoy your kids today.  Enjoy your spouse.  Read the word of God.  Take a walk in nature.  Marvel at all the beautiful things God has done in your life!

Lots of Love,

Dawn